Lawyer, Author, Political Analyst and Trump hating CNN stooge, Jeffrey Toobin is a man of parts, and 12 hours ago, he exposed one of those parts for all the world to see. In the name of journalism, this hilarity must ensue...

ACSCC: Thank you for sitting with us Mr. Toobin. I gotta say, you have a great name for memes. Already Toobin self Groovin' is a hit.

TOOBIN: Well, I was always popular in high school.

ACSCC: I would never sit and talk with a nobody like yourself, I mean no offense, but you have that type of annoying personality of an orthodontist dweeb. We here like to talk to luminaries or morons, depending on the view.

TOOBIN: I only came here to clear my name. You must understand that this whole sad little fiasco is being blown way out of proportion. The matter at hand should be the corrupt politicians ruining our country with their endless smear campaigns and hate mongering.

ACSCC: We aren't here to talk about the DNC.

TOOBIN: Well, alright but I had to bring that up. I wouldn't be any kind of political analyst if I didn't. And the thing to remember is that we are all human. This is a stressful job, stressful. Tell me you've never taken a moment to rub one out.

ACSCC: Not in the middle of a conference call. That type of activity is best left for after a lighting round of double jeopardy, or before a big date.

I mean, come on man, you jerked off on a live Zoom call.

TOOBIN: But that's just the thing, I was sitting there listening to my colleague's drone on and on about conspiracy this and collusion that and

I was watching TV with the sound down across the room. Some commercial came on with Kamala laughing and the light hit her just right and I had a flash of her on her knees all naked-like and Willie Brown standing above her with his...anyway my mind just triggered. I knew what I had to do.

ACSCC: You were jerking off to Kamala Harris?!

TOOBIN: Not so much to her, but to the legend of her. Everyone knows she made it to the top on her back. She serviced so many bosses, they call her "camel knees" on account of how rough they are. Anyway, her legend. She dropped it like it was hot in the old days, and I couldn't help myself.

ACSCC: I see, sir. go on.

TOOBIN: I couldn't find any hand cream, and that alcohol-based sanitizer burns like a mofo. I was in my hotel suite, and I couldn't call room service for them to bring me Crisco, so I just worked up some spit and went to town. Lo and behold, I was almost in my groove when I heard this funny laughter from somewhere. Faint but persistent.

ACSCC: That's when you realized the Zoom call was still going?

TOOBIN: Well, I didn't know what it was. All I know is the harder I stroked the louder it got.

ACSCC: Well, what was it?

TOOBIN: The Fruit of the Loom guys. They little guys on my underwear. They were laughing it up.

ACSCC: Mr. Toobin, are you well?

TOOBIN: I know how it sounds, but I'm telling you it was them. Those fuckers were laughing at me. Then to make matters worse, my phone rings. I had to grab it. The fucker wasn't leaving a message.

ACSCC: Go on sir.

TOOBIN: That's when it hit me the Zoom was on. My boss was calling me to tell me I was on the video call going at it. And I gotta tell you that isn't the worst part of it. Any man can be caught jerking off, I was singing show tunes at the time. It's a thing from my youth, a little thing that turns me on. Anyway, I was halfway through my rendition of "Different Strokes" when my mind went whoosh.

ACSCC: Did the boss fire you?

TOOBIN: I can't be fired for jerking off, it's in my contract. All CNN contributors can jerk of at whim. Most media jerks off daily. I mean have you seen what passes for journalism nowadays. It's all mental masturbation. No, I didn't get fired. But she did ask me to close the fucking laptop, which I immediately did.

ACSCC: The New Yorker fired you though. That made the news.

TOOBIN: They surely did, but that was just to save face. They have those cartoons to think about after all. They'll probably let me back in, after some therapy.

ACSCC: Do you need it?

TOOBIN: Not for me, therapy for the people who saw me jerking off.

I'm fine with it. This one colleague said I looked like a walrus manhandling a seal pup. I mean, how would she know, right?

ACSCC: Anything else? I hear Libby's is interested in sponsoring you.

TOOBIN: They are, I haven't said yes to them yet. The company thinks I'd be a fine brand ambassador to their Vienna Sausage line. I don't know why exactly, but the pay is good. I have an agent on it.

ACSCC: Fucking up in today's world can be lucrative.

TOOBIN: It certainly can, yes. But I'm worried you see. Sure, I can take the endorsements and sell another book, but what does this have to do with the crisis at hand. The sheer and utter destruction at play in the world. Our way of life is evaporating. The beauty of what our country stood for, all going down the drain. Morality has all but become a catch phrase.

ACSCC: You're talking about vanishing morality and family values and you were caught jerking off on a live conference call and received an endorsement from Libby's canned meats. Are you fucking joking here?

TOOBIN: Shut up now, hear me out. I didn't mean my foibles as a man. No, no, no. Our faults are not to be dissected. I am talking about the politics which is destroying our way of life. American life. Family

ACSCC: Toobin... get the fuck out of here with that.

TOOBIN: No, trust me here. I am not just the voice of the correct, I am the voice of the morally correct. Morality is something one can't just fob off. Moral right versus morally wrong, well you see where that leaves one.

ACSCC: Morality depends on the person. What may be correct to one can still be incorrect to another.

TOOBIN: Not if we decide which morality is correct you see. If we, the left says it then we the left are correct.

ACSCC: Madness.

TOOBIN: Yes and no. Madness to you who are quite mad to begin with, but madness to us not at all, because we are right. There was an old joke in Harvard: The left is right, and the right is fucking not.

ACSCC: Harvard guys cuss?

TOOBIN: Like sailors, only we do it in our circles and among our own. The elite have their own slang. Fuck, shit, etc., those words are useless and vile to us. Our words are better: percentile, proletarian, hyperbole and Democrat.

ACSCC: Sounds like your full of shit to me.

TOOBIN: Partially yes, ok, maybe some. But you could never swing that at a Harvard party my dear man. You'd get the boot. Can't call a fellow Harvard man a piece of shit. It's in the handbook you know.

ACSCC: I thought that was made up. Something to instill morale among students and all that other nonapplicable bullshit that flies these days.

TOOBIN: Oh, it's in the handbook alright. There's even a chapter on it right next to "small animals one is expected not to insert into their roommate's anus" and "socially acceptable forms of hazing and abuse".

ACSCC: I see, sir. Please go on.

TOOBIN: Well, that's just it. We, the leftists elites all know better than most. If fact, we are better than most.

ACSCC: Slow down there happy ass. There's only so much bullshit I'm willing to listen to here.

TOOBIN: But you're willing to listen which is more that I gave you credit for. Look, we are better people and better people can still mess up. We do it all the time. You don't think Clinton didn't fuck up? Of course, he did. So what? When it's one of ours we overlook it. As well we should. Can't point out the little foibles of a man and just discard his leftist wholesomeness.

ACSCC: Does that apply to Hillary?

TOOBIN: Oh, Hillary? Fuck no. Everybody hates her. No, righteousness only extends to Bill. He gets a pass. Hillary is Darth Vader without the righteousness and snappy humor. No, we don't like her.

ACSCC: When you saw "we", are you talking Harvard here or CNN?

TOOBIN: Neither I mean we the entire Democratic wing faction of political hacks. Can't stand Hillary, we had to pretend to, but that's all it was.

ACSCC: I get the feeling your trying to flip this one on the Trumpers and other assorted members of the conservative party.

TOOBIN: Well, that's the problem. I figured you for both. You're both aren't you?

ACSCC: No really. I like Trump because he's bombastic and crass, but that only flies so long. Can't do that forever. Also, I don't like Trump because he's bombastic and crass. There needs to be more. Still, if it's between him and Old Joe you best believe where my vote goes. I vote according to my belief.

TOOBIN: That's the problem, you need to vote along our beliefs. We are correct you, see? Look, I am not the boogie man jerkoff they want to paint me as. I actually tried being conservative for a while. It just didn't work. No promotions, had to work for everything and on top of that I couldn't get laid. Remind me of a story actually, you'll like this one.

ACSCC: Mr. Toobin …

TOOBIN: In Harvard we had a club called the Grope & Groan It was a play on Skull & Bones at Yale. All of us Harvard men hate Yale's with a passion. Fuckers. Anyway, our club was a fabulous bunch of carousers and hell raisers. We'd have hazing nights, paddle the bum nights where we would go out looking for bums to paddle. Not many bums in Harvard but we made do. Friday night was wigs and heels night which is when we'd show up in drag and sing show tunes. Nothing crazy about that, after all all that legal mumbo jumbo begins to drive one mad.

ACSCC: Right. Perfect. Let's move on.

TOOBIN: Not so fast. I'm going somewhere with this. Right well, hey. I know the law you know. Sure, I'm a degenerate scumbag but I'm a liberal so we get a pass. Liberals will overlook just about anything as long as you remain loyal to the cause. And don't ask me which cause because I don't know. I just know I'm loyal to it.

(Waves hand emphatically as we begin to object)

Republicans do it too. Especially in the bible belt. Shit you can be a drunk driving philandering preacher, and no one cares so long as you love God.

ACSCC: Toobin, you are trying to spin this. I mean what the fuck are you talking about?

TOOBIN: Pussy man. I'm talking pussy. I'm addicted. But it can't be any run of the mill snatch. It needs to be liberal poontang. Hey look, remember Greenfield?

ACSCC: The yogurt?

TOOBIN: No. The woman. Younger than me. Was my side chick for years. That's the power of liberalism. Can turn an ugly shit like me into a stud.

I mean come. on. I know I'm no spring chicken. Matter of fact I never was. But even a manatee like me can still get the girls. Liberalism takes care of it for you. Sure, I know what you're gonna say, Republican girls are hotter but that isn't the case. The left has gotten more people laid than two for one nights at the local saloon.

ACSCC: I have to actually agree with you here. But didn't you get her pregnant and try to bully her into an abortion?

TOOBIN: Not true. I was merely suggesting she think about it. Abortion is the woman's right to choose you see. All for it. All for women's rights. Ban the bra, guys down femes up, all that jazz. But you see its rather different when the child is yours. Fuck that I didn't need another rug rat, so I made suggestions. Doesn't matter.

ACSCC: Alright, leaving that alone, let's talk the Green New Deal.

You seem to be for it.

TOOBIN: Nonsense. I just wanted to angle myself near AOC. Her buck teeth turn me on. You know she smells of patchouli. You know it. Anyway, all that crap is nonsense. You wanna come up with shit like that you just need 4 stoners and an ounce of cryp. You'll be talking all kinds if shit. Green deal. It's even in the name. Pot smokers came up with that one you best believe. But hey. Again, I had plans for her and me. Not big plans but something.

ACSCC: Fine, but let's face it. You jerked off to Kamala.

TOOBIN: Not really to her. To her legend. Look we all know she's a fake bitch. We know this. Still, in our circle ones hears certain things.

ACSCC: Such as?

TOOBIN: Such as she got Joe Biden to pick her by giving him a hum job. And not just a hum job she actually hums your favorite song.

ACSCC: I thought it was identity politics.

TOOBIN: That's conservo talk. Eeeeeng not good.

ACSCC: Did you just do a game show sound?

TOOBIN: Game shows and show tunes. Totally my bag.

ACSCC: I see sir. So, after listening to you talk, I get the feeling this whole thing is...

TOOBIN: Resolved?

ACSCC: Not by a long shot.

TOOBIN: Ah, my people will sit on it. Quash the story and I'll be back on the tube around the time Biden gets in.

ACSCC: If he gets in.

TOOBIN: Ain't you been listening? He's getting in. We got this one.

ACSCC: (Anguished groan)

TOOBIN: Alright, fine. Next thing you want to talk about?

ACSCC: Did Zoom ban you?

TOOBIN: Can't. Remember, I'm a liberal.

ACSCC: Right forgot. Well at least you'll get an ambassadorship out of this. Vienna Sausages, big in the bible belt.

TOOBIN: It is, I agree. But you know, I would have been happier had it been a hotdog company. Vienna Sausage sounds so... so... odd. I mean, a big guy like me should have an endorsement that counts. that measures up.

ACSCC: Nah I think they got it right. And the best part is, they don't plump at all when you cook them.

TOOBIN: You can cook them? Oh, I don't like this at all.

Jeffrey Toobin did not sit with us, let's face it. We can make fun of the putz, but he isn't that interesting a person to begin with. Libby's which owns Vienna Sausage did not endorse him to be their brand ambassador. Everyone knows Libby's has standards. Speaking of standards, CNN have not fired Toobin, he's on "leave", which probably means he will be back to see Biden be sworn in along with the other luminaries (ahem). We do not know if there is such a group as the Grope & Groan in Harvard, but it wouldn't be surprising. Zoom has stayed pretty quiet about what went down but it's to be expected. This isn't the type of thing that helps marketing. Photo credit: CNN. Fair use/parody. Libby's can superimposed by our staff that couldn't stop laughing. Toobin may want to write a new book. He should title it: Shit Happens.

1 (800) 123-1234

Joseph Robinette " Old Joe" Biden Jr.

47th Vice President, former U.S. Senator, Ukrainian point man, hair sniffer and all around rambler speaks with our founder and totally goes off the rails in the interview not even CNN would dare report on.

Obama's VP and Democrat darling, Joseph "Old Joe" Biden sits and talks some strange shit with our founder. Drugs were not present but after this one, everyone needed a drink.

ACSCC: Thank you for sitting with us Mr. VP. I figured that's a good title to use here and one you will appreciate. I am aware of how proud you were serving under President Obama.

BIDEN: Cherry pie lemon twist, alright.

ACSCC: Uh, yeah. I wanted to get some words out and I know our readers have lots of questions concerning your bid and all the recent upheaval going on.

BIDEN: You know, I remember growing up and thinking to myself. "Joe buddy, you got some hairy legs. Tarantula legs. So, I got a comb and brushed them straight out. Reminds me of this race. Hairy race. Hairy. Like one of them droopy titted women in the 60's that didn't wear a bra and didn't shave her pits. Hairy. It's a special race. Needs a special man with a good old brush straighten it right out.

ACSCC: Uh, I think... Yeah. Yeah, I'll accept that...

BIDEN: This country needs a good ol' boy. It isn't that I'm good because I'm white. Being white is actually the bane of my existence and I am woefully sorry for it. No. White is not alright as they say in my hometown. I'm a good ol' boy because, well I'm old. But not too old and a boy because well, because I have a wee wee. But even that wee wee is shameful see...

ACSCC: Sir...?

BIDEN: Hear me out. I'm talking shame here. Shame for my whiteness but I'm a good ol' boy because I believe, you see. One doesn't have to be brown to be bad or black to be poor. I'm white and I hate this. It isn't right. I should be yellow or red or maybe plaid. And eternal shame is mine. But this race, this race will show them all what a quarter pounder means to a Somali. You better believe it.

ACSCC: Mr. Biden... Are you well?

BIDEN: Never better. Matter of fact I had a grapefruit enema. Best thing early in the morning. When I was in my 20's had them good hot Folgers enemas. Nothing beats it. Keeps the teeth white but amps you all the way up. Had to give it up though.

ACSCC: Too hot?

BIDEN: No. Too damn sweet. That sugar. I tell you. Straightened my hair right out. But that's me. That's good old joe. They used to call me crazy and now they call me bat-

ACSCC: Batman?

BIDEN: No. Bat shit crazy.

ACSCC: Oh. I see. Carry on sir.

BIDEN: Nothing beats a good hair sniff let me tell you. The heat is in the Ben Gay. And I'm a simple man. I like butter in my coffee and a loli pop in my asshole. Real simple. Obama liked that about me. He'd tell me keep Ukraine simple, but I wanted blood, son. And I did. Surely. Spent a week in a hotel with a real beauty of a girl. Ukrainian girl. Face of an angel as rancid a whore as there ever was. Boy I had me some fun. Stayed real low key. Let my boy talk himself right onto a board. Never told me nothing. I didn't have the time. Had hair to smell.

ACSCC: Mr. VP... We uh. We can pick this up later if you want...

BIDEN: Nonsense. Here now, good time now. Later I'm meeting Obi for some beer and crackers. That's what we call thunderbird and crack. Has a nice sound to it? Kinda' cosmopolitan. Can't say "crack" in Washington. Whole towns a blood hound. Sniffing here and there. But I sniff hair. It's my thing. Bury your nose is some curls. It's the women I care about. Need to run. Need to run this country right for them. Poor women. Oppressed and underpaid. Don't get me started.

ACSCC: Let's talk about your son. Not interested in his wayward life but you gotta admit that oligarch job and banging his sister-in-law. That's pretty bad.

BIDEN: Nonsense. Gave my blessing. She still had some good pussy, young man. Can't let that go to waste. Can't waste it. Pussy. That's a crying shame. So, Hunter. Good boy like his pop. Hunter told me. "Dad. I love her something awful and this family gotta be kept together. Bless me."

And what could I do? Sure, he was married but you know I blessed him. Beau would have understood. Better than Hunter Beau was, I admit it. But Hunter's like me. He takes care of the family.

ACSCC: It was his brother's widow...

BIDEN: And? Can't let that go to someone else. Best keep it familywise. Which reminds me. This country is a young man's game. I'm old Joe. Good old Joe. But my boy, he has what it takes to make it.

ACSCC: Is he ashamed of his race?

BIDEN: Hunter's got no shame. None. Matter of fact one time in his salad days he got drunk and high on the dog's medication came down to a family dinner wearing his mommas' garters and bra. Sat there happy as can be drinking wine and jabbering like a monkey. Very interesting family dinner.

Next day had no memory of it. Didn't bother him none. He's a good boy. He does what he feels he must.

ACSCC: Sir. Look you've said some strange shit on the campaign trail. You had some wild allegations leveled at you.

BIDEN: By who?

ACSCC: Let's start with Harris.

BIDEN: Ah good ol' "side suck" Harris. Willie played hide the tootsie roll with her if you know what I mean. Way I hear it that old dog got more than one way to scratch a flea. Say what one will. Kamala is alright. Ain't black but she can pass and passin' these days is what counts. High yella they called it in my day. Fine as cat whiskers. Not Harris. The high yellas. 'Cause the only part that applies to Harris is "high" part. Bitch smoked it all up.

ACSCC: Uh Mr. Biden...

BIDEN: Hear me out young man. We'll put some pep in your tea and make you rethink that Donkey of yours. Harris didn't really hate me. She knows I hate myself. What Harris wanted was a cheap win.

She needed me to prop her up and I did. It's my thing. Now the payback wasn't exactly some tail but then I'm not a spring chicken roller coaster boy anymore. I'm gonna have Hunter do the honors.

ACSCC: Sir...

BIDEN: Shut up now, hear me out. I knew she'd lose. Can't be keeping the man down and smoking weeds and thinking you ain't gonna taste the Kool Aid. 

ACSCC: So, you saw her downfa-

BIDEN: I never saw her down. I heard all about it. Apparently, woman can drop it like it hot. But at her age its actually luke warm at best. I'd know this, cochise. If it's one thing I know is hot. I was in Arizona in the 1800's. Talk about hot! At my age I gotta put hairspray on my dick to take a piss.

ACSCC: Sir. Tell me about Ukraine. there's a great deal of smoke but there may be some fire only it's in your camp.

BIDEN: Monkey-apple-cider-lug-wrench. Shit, son, ain't you been lisnin'?

I Don't know nothin'.

ACSCC: Tell me about your son on the board of-

BIDEN: Dang son. I said I don't know. I don't know nothin'.

ACSCC: You knew about the sister-in-law. Your eldest's widow.

BIDEN: That's different. You can't imagine the pain of seeing some of those people chasing a widow. Well Hunter didn't stand for it. The way he saw it if anyone was going to be fucking his brother's widow was gonna be him. Because that's what family does. Good family. You see?

ACSCC: Sir. I don't think this is going anywhere good.

BIDEN: But it is. Give me a chance to show you. So now orange-peel man got some good ideas but he's not like us. He likes his orange skin. Likes his 5-thousand-dollar suits. Likes his euro whores...

ACSCC: Who doesn't?

BIDEN: Right. Well, we won't begrudge him that. I ever tell you about Svetlana the banana? Dear Lord son. This girl would put your mind right inside a blender. She did this thing with a banana would blow your mind. It would go in straight and shoot out diced and covered in crisped rice.

ACSCC: Mr. Biden...

BIDEN: Ukraine... gotta love the place. Gotta love them crazy guys. Never saw them no. Hunter took the lead I was busy with Svetlana.

ACSCC: Why won't Obama back you sir?

BIDEN: Was my job to kiss his ass son not the other way around. He did alright by me. 100%. But you see, Trump made him look bad. Me, I'll make him look worse. He's got legacy on his mind. Me, I just wanna hot bowl of soup.

ACSCC: I gotta tell you Sir. I think all that cherry pie shit you're slinging is an act. You ain't a muttering old fool. I think you're playing half assed senile to get out of the hard questions.

BIDEN: Like Reagan?

ACSCC: Exactly the same thing. Let's cut the shit. Why would you be a better President than Trump and don't tell me he's an amoral fucker, because you are as well.

BIDEN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, sonny boy. You got some hot sauce jumpin' chili pepper spirit to ya'

ACSCC: Fucks sake you old bastard. Tell it straight.

BIDEN: Well, if you want some off the record truth, Trump has done a better job than most Republicans and Democrat's ever sit in that office but he's a smarmy bastard. I get in there, I can take credit for his ballsy policies, I can practically breeze through the next 4 years. I'll steal his fucking thunder. Set up my son as ambassador to Colombia, you know, someplace he won't be tempted by drugs and wild sexually promiscuous women and write my name into American history.

ACSCC: You're a madman, you realize?

BIDEN: So are you.

ACSCC: I realize this. Go on sir.

BIDEN: Well then, I'd fire all his trusted advisors, have the IRS audit his ass into the next quarter century, reverse his pardons, pardon Hillary poor Zlochevsky and Madoff. You know, Cochise, you can't honestly tell me you think I can't beat that orange peel son of a bitch.

ACSCC: I think if you stopped fucking around, you'd be able to beat commie Bernie. He's a communist and a delusional fucker but at least he doesn't mumble madness to everyone around him.

BIDEN: Cheddar cheese, mustard plug lemon drop on you!

ACSCC: Oh yeah? Well burrito, garbage juice, watermelon rinds up yours, sir!

BIDEN: Oh, them's fightin' words. And if it's one thing I know how to do is fight. Give you a good old fashioned ass kicking. Give you a... a real... uh, what were we talking about?

ACSCC: Politics, sir.

BIDEN: Fucking Trump. I hate him. Obama can't be African and proud; I can't be insane and loud.

ACSCC: You can both be both.

BIDEN: But we want to win. And you know Warren the beer chugging squaw can't win. You know this. She talks like someone's raunchy potbellied grandmother. High cheekbones my ass. Don't get me started on Mayor Pete, that Norwegian speaking pinko can fuck up a cup of coffee. Imagine having a first lady and that lady has hairier knuckles than you. He's hanging on, but I think that's just for looks. My money is on Bernie taking the nomination.

Nope. The DNC will give it to me before they hand it to Bernie. Put me on a ticket with Tulsi. And you know Tulsi has got some nice hair. O hell son, I can just imagine smelling her hair... They'll put Warren as Bernie's VP. It plays better, apple sauce for the long hairs and squares. Pocahontas and a grizzly commie bear. See what I mean?

ACSCC: Joe, let's throw this interview to the wind. I'll give you a bowl of soup and you go away. Sound good?

BIDEN: What kind of soup you got?

ACSCC: Go fuck yourself noodle.

BIDEN: Does that bring peas?

ACSCC: It does, yes.

BIDEN: Hmmm sounds like something Michelle Obama made me once.

ACSCC: Man, I gotta say, this is the weirdest shit I ever experienced. And keep in mind I know Miami strip clubs on an intimate level. Which is to say, I've seen it all...

BIDEN: It's no weirder than the commie line up we got. And if I want to eat pizza watching Matlock who can tell me different? I'm madman Joe. Not even the postman fucks with me. Shit son. You have no idea who I am.

ACSCC: I don't think you are aware yourself...

BIDEN: I was there when Napoleon fell at Waterloo. I was the one who designed the great wall of China. I could bench-press the great Genghis Khans horse. Shit son. I helped Moses part the seas, Martin Luther take on the church and Madonna shave her pits.

ACSCC: Ah, that's a lie. She didn't start shaving her pits till the summer of '98.

BIDEN: Oh, but I'm sure I held the razor. Stop talking to me with facts you fat fuck.

ACSCC: Whoa, it's Mr. Fat Fuck, to you.

BIDEN: I'll keep it in mind, but not for long... my mind isn't what it used to be.

ACSCC: At last, some truth!

BIDEN: I always tell the truth. You know who was there to hold the mic for Dr. King? Me. Biden. Old Joe. American Joe.

ACSCC: Full of shit Joe. Stop it you crazy old fuck.

BIDEN: Alright, you doubt my record? In 2017 when I was in The White House, I personally saw an intern blowing Rudy. Saw it and was outraged as any Democrat would be. Democrats just don't do that kind of thing!

ACSCC: Two words: Bill Clinton.

BIDEN: Bill him for what?

ACSCC: Oh, for fucks sake. Nevermind. Look you left office in 2016.

BIDEN: It doesn't mean it didn't happen.

ACSCC: Everyone knows the only thing Rudy fucks is power. Try again.

BIDEN: Well, well, uh there was a time I saw Melania stripping to Lil Wayne's Stuntin Like My Daddy!

ACSCC: Who hasn't? Give me another.

BIDEN: No one has done what I've done, and no one would do more for this country and his own children than me. For aren't all our children Hunter's?

ACSCC: Mr. VP, I can tell you where you would fit in. Would you care to hear it?

BIDEN: I'm always open to openness and openessings. I speak well. I eat ice cream in my underwear and kiss babies and fondle women and get in trouble for smelling hair.

ACSCC: Sigh. What did I do to deserve this?

BIDEN: Seeing as how you advertise, my guess is, 'plenty'.

ACSCC: Go on sir.

BIDEN: Go on what? I want some soup and I need a nap. My underwear has de-elasticated and I'm getting crabby.

ACSCC: Why would you be better than Trump?

BIDEN: Because I'm acceptable to this country's media. I'm well liked. I helped the downtrodden, I feed families, I am a good second in command. These are leadership qualities, son. And even a crazy fucker like you can see it. What's Trump done but divide a nation. Big loud mouthed old man with nice teeth. Screw that bloated bastard. What I want is to do what needs to be done.

ACSCC: At least you don't rail against the billionaire class.

BIDEN: I can't. Me and Soros go way back. He's got some interesting photos let me tell you. Got the goods on us all. Nice man, a little strange. Besides, only one that does that is Bernie. Used to be a time he threw millionaires in there but now he is one, so he can't mention that without putting his own tits in the wringer.

ACSCC: So, all said what would be your first policy change if you get elected?

BIDEN: I'd have Trump shown the door. Soda can, moon pie tarantula style. I'll let the illegals have a go at the place, we can use the votes you know. Son of a bitch, I'll bring Svetlana in and give her a job in the office pool, I'll even buy her a thong. Son, I know politics. I will be as Cyrus the King was to the Maccabees. I'll be for Attila the Hun what a hamburger is to a bun. And you can count on good ol' Joe.

ACSCC: Mr. VP, go slurp your soup.

BIDEN: That's what I been talking about. Break it out fatso.

Joseph Robinette (Insert laughter here) "Old Joe" Biden Jr. did not sit with our founder. To this day we do not know if he uses hairspray to take a piss or if Sen. Harris drops it like it's lukewarm. We know her campaign went to shit but she kept the money, so... On a lighter note, this dullard is corrupt as a mother so maybe he will get the endorsement of the DNC after they steal if from comrade Bernie. Let's see what happens. Photo credit to the hollywoodinsider .com. Fair use. This is a parody in the event that a newsworthy organization like The New York Times tries to pick up on it. Note: Stock up on popcorn and dust masks, this presidential debate is going to be fucking wild.

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Jeff "Mr. Filthy Rich" Bezos

Titan of industry, corporate raider & Mr. Magoo stunt double sits and talks with his former employee Antonio "Mr. Fabulous" Armenteros about how to make it in business, hotdogs & why he misses his wife. No shit.

If Bezos would have seen this one coming, he'd have slapped Mr. Fabulous with a non-parody disclosure before having him thrown out of the building by security. Oh well.

ACSCC: Jeff, good to see you. You look wonderful.

BEZOS: Uh, thanks. Who are you again?

ACSCC: Don't play coy dude, we go way back you and I. Remember that time when I worked for you over in logistics?

BEZOS: No. Not really.

ACSCC: I see. So, I take it that corporate barbeque in the parking lot wasn't your idea?

BEZOS: Did they serve Nathan's or Ballpark franks?

ACSCC: Nathan's.

BEZOS: Then hell no. I certainly did not. Do you have any idea what they cost?

ACSCC: Uh Jeff, I'm sure you could spare the wieners.

BEZOS: Did you get Cole slaw?

ACSCC: No, chips.

BEZOS: Fuckers never tell me anything. They spoil our employees I tell ya'.

ACSCC: Right. Anyway, we all ate to your good health and prosperity.

BEZOS: Really?

ACSCC: Of course! You're the man.

BEZOS: Did you have the cheap cola?

ACSCC: Jeff listen let's talk, those details you can leave to the bean counters. This interview has been a long time in coming. You know, I actually respect you for your passion and not because you're a ruthless titan of industry who's carved out an empire.

BEZOS: But that helps too, right?

ACSCC: Alright it does, yes.

BEZOS: The chicks dig it.

ACSCC: I'm sure they do. Do you remember me now?

BEZOS: No. I haven't the foggiest notion who you... Wait... We're you in advertising for us?

ACSCC: You'd fire me on day one. Have you seen how I market?

BEZOS: Oh. Well maybe we would and maybe we wouldn't. Amazon isn't as stuffy as you'd think. Shoot me an ad idea. Go ahead.

ACSCC: Alright. Off the top of my head, how's this for a slogan:

" from anal plugs to bug zappers, if you can fuckin' think it up we can fuckin' ship it out"


BEZOS: Yeah, you'd be fired.

ACSCC: Yeah. No, I worked for your Florida Prime Division. Logistics.

BEZOS: Ah, I see. No, no I don't know you. I mean, did we ever play golf?

ACSCC: By your standards, I'm poor. I play with my bigger balls, sir.

BEZOS: Basketball?

ACSCC: Exactly. You know I respect you greatly, matter of fact it's because of you and our President that I decided to take on the market.

BEZOS: Me and Trump?! You're insane.

ACSCC: Yes, and yes, actually. But you see, I admire you for your vision and him for his no filter approach.

BEZOS: Do you like his vision?

ACSCC: Well, I like he kicks ass and pisses of the Dem's.

BEZOS: I’m a Dem.

ACSCC: Exactly. Anyway, I wanted to talk brass tacks with you. You’ve come a long way. World's richest man, power business titan and soon to be space governor.

BEZOS: Space emperor will probably go to someone else.

ACSCC: Doubtful.

BEZOS: Elon Musk, anyone?

ACSCC: I don't eat shellfish.

BEZOS: No, Elon Musk will probably hold that title. I’d be happy with anything that ends in "overlord".

ACSCC: Uh… so I take it emperor is a piddling title?

BEZOS: You wanted brass tacks, right?

ACSCC: Right. So, before we get to divorced life, paying the biggest divorce settlement on record and dating a Cuban chick, I figured we’d talk about your rise.

BEZOS: Man, is that Cuban chick hot!

ACSCC: She’s alright, Jeff. But if you’re happy, I’m happy for you.

BEZOS: Alright my ass. She can ____ a ________ through fifty feet of garden hose!

ACSCC: I see, and do you sell that particular garden hose?

BEZOS: You know we do, and at 25% mark-up!

ACSCC: Nice, Jeff. Good one.

BEZOS: Not only that, we sell her as well. Where do you think I met this person?

ACSCC: Uh, Jeff…

BEZOS: “‘Uh Jeff’, my ass you fucking bastard ya’.”

ACSCC: I want to talk about your humble beginnings…

BEZOS: Go ahead please. Ask away.

ACSCC: You started small. Busted your hump, put in the hours. What advice can you offer our fine entrepreneurs out there?

BEZOS: Secure $1,000,000 dollars in seed money first, then start as small as you want.

ACSCC: Is that what you did?

BEZOS: What, you think selling books is such a big money maker, why aren’t crack dealers invading the business?

ACSCC: Its a tougher market, you know.

BEZOS: It surely is. Anyway, I got the seed money and started up, but I had to be responsible you see. Had to spend the money on my enterprise. Scrimp. Save. Cut corners.

ACSCC: So basically what you're saying is you ate hot dogs and lived off soda?

BEZOS: Don't you?

ACSCC: My eating habits are neither here nor there.

BEZOS: Your waistline is neither here nor there. Your eating habits can't be good for you. Plus, you smoke. You look like you take a drink now and then. Do you shake on the salt like a maraca?

ACSCC: Social drinker. But the rest is true.

BEZOS: Well, that's the problem. First 3 years I didn't do much, I just wanted to get my name out there. Be seen, be known. For all intents and purposes, I had no life. I lost my fucking hair man.

ACSCC: I see. Go on sir.

BEZOS: I must have sat there thinking up world domination for 16 hours a day. I researched competitors. Found what they lacked, innovated my balls off.

ACSCC: You did make an impression on me. I used to buy my textbooks through your site.

BEZOS: Did they help you out?


BEZOS: Ah, and where did you learn?

ACSCC: I attended Coral Gables S.H., did the MDC circuit & later The Art Institute. My real education was from minority millionaires with horrible vocabularies. From the New York Israelis and the mafi… er, the Italian businessmen who uh, ran certain enterprises where I worked.

BEZOS: I'm a Palmetto S.H. guy myself.

ACSCC: Fuck Palmetto S.H.

BEZOS: Fuck you too! Italians eh. I see. Do you know Masilo “The Dagger” Ruggerio?

ACSCC: No. I knew a guy named Pete “The Whistle” Brancato.

BEZOS: Sounds familiar to me? All those fuckers are sweet guys.

ACSCC: Jeff, let's talk turkey. What else can you offer our readers.

BEZOS: Not much. What businessman ever would?

ACSCC: I never met Mark Cuban, yet he taught me more in 3 minutes than most college professors did in 3 years.

BEZOS: Cuban is loosey goosey with the info. I ain’t.

ACSCC: I see. Please explain.

BEZOS: Listen if you want to be an entrepreneur all you need to do is START. It isn’t important what laptop you have, where you get your legal pads, if you use pens or pencils, if you have a nice chair for your desk, if your files match. I mean, come on man. Who gives a shit? The way I always saw it you either are serious about making it happen or you just want to look like you're serious but don't really have the motivation to do anything. No self-made billionaire will ever give away the secret sauce.

ACSCC: Alright, I agree.

BEZOS: How did you start? Did you bankroll your operations?

ACSCC: I didn't have a million bucks if that's what you mean.

BEZOS: What did you have?

ACSCC: A Rubbermaid chair, an old desk and a pair of brass balls like Alfonso the Battler, King of Aragon.

BEZOS: What would you tell them?

ACSCC: I’d tell them to stop fucking around. Stop trying to do business and do it. I’ve met hundreds of people who had money and wanted to do pretend business so they set themselves up in fancy offices and bought fancy equipment and couldn't do a fucking piece of business to save their asses. Don't spend money, make money.

BEZOS: Did you bankroll yourself?

ACSCC: No. I bought equipment and supplies on earnings. I didn't want to use my money. I didn't want to rely on savings, pussies do that. I reinvested in my business. Ate hot dogs until I could afford filet mignon. Still eat them even though I can afford the fucking filet. Stay in the trenches. Recycle folders. Don't scrimp on pens. Wait for sales, all of it.

BEZOS: You're a ruthless fucker, Antonio.

ACSCC: Not really, I don't control an empire and fuck call girls.

BEZOS: Want to revise that last part?

ACSCC: I’m making a point. The point I’m making is I want everyone to succeed… except my competitors, those fuckers need to be put out to pasture.

BEZOS: It seems you have the edge.

ACSCC: I read Sun Tzu when I was 16 and understood it. Oddly enough Archie comics puzzled me.

BEZOS: So, you do have the makings of an overlord. Put it there hermano!

ACSCC: Not quite. I personally just want to be able to afford Tara Reid giving me a foot rub.

BEZOS: She gave me a hum job.

ACSCC: She did?

BEZOS: Nah, I can’t back that up.


BEZOS: So, let's move on.

ACSCC: Right, Amazon NYC headquarters didn't happen. You bitter?

BEZOS: Not really. Woulda been nice to have the tax breaks but let's be honest, I’d pay 3 billion just to watch Ocasio-Cortez get run out of town in disgrace. The fucking cunt.

ACSCC: So, you're not bitter. Alrighty then. What do you think of the divorce?

BEZOS: Totally worth it. My ex-wife takes half the company, her feet will never touch the ground with the size of that golden parachute.

ACSCC: And you got the Cubana.

BEZOS: I did indeed, I also got a pre-nuptial that's titanium watertight strong. Bitch ain't gonna see a fucking dime from me.

ACSCC: You’ll end up buying her an island.

BEZOS: Already did.

ACSCC: A private jet then.

BEZOS: One of those too.

ACSCC: What didn’t you get the new woman?

BEZOS: I didn't get her pregnant. I'm the original pull out king.

ACSCC: Jeff, we have female readers, man. Relax with that shit.

BEZOS: Fuck yourself asshole. Being the richest man in the world I can say whatever the fuck I want.

ACSCC: Being an honest businessman I can do the same.

You still dress like a nerd though.

BEZOS: I’ll catch up on that.

ACSCC: I have no doubt. Bill Gates did.

BEZOS: No, he didn’t.

BEZOS: You’re right, he didn’t. What do you think of space, you think we’ll actually live up there someday?

BEZOS: You won’t.

ACSCC: I wouldn’t want to. Imagine trying to get laid on a space station.

BEZOS: It would be easier on your knees.

ACSCC: Call me a traditionalist.

BEZOS: Space; I like the idea. I want to see my company logo on a space habitat. Fucking Elon will probably be walking around in platform heels by then.

ACSCC: He is a rather short man.

BEZOS: The height doesn't bother me, have you seen his face? Any more stretching and he’ll perpetually smile like a barracuda. I think he's like 100.

ACSCC: Jeff, come on man. He’s a friend of yours. Besides you look like Mr. Magoo.

BEZOS: I don't have friends. I have competitors and fuck yourself.

ACSCC: I see. Go on sir.

BEZOS: Space will be great. A total blast. I envision something like Elysium only with no Matt Damon, more hookers and tackier houses. Wouldn't you want to be in space?

ACSCC: Not really. Sure, my mascot on a satellite would be nice, but to tell you the truth I’d be happy controlling the market. Flooding it with cheap prices and forcing my competitors to their knees.

BEZOS: Fuck yeah!

ACSCC: Fucking A! Wanna bankroll me?

BEZOS: Fuck no!

ACSCC: Fuck yeah! Uh wait you said 'no'.

BEZOS: What the fuck would I do with a donkey and a gaggle of hookers? You kidding me here? My board would grill my nuts.

ACSCC: You got the Cuban chick, already. Yeah, you told me.

BEZOS: She’s more than enough for me, she does this thing with a ping pong paddle and toothpaste in my ------- with a spider ------ and then she gargles the star-spangled banner with my --- while she sticks a finger in her ----.

Man, she’s fucking hot!... But to tell you the truth, I miss my wife.

ACSCC: You do?

BEZOS: Well yeah. My wife was the backbone of who I was and who I became. It worked great for a while. My wife thought I was with my mistress and my mistress thought I was with my wife.

ACSCC: And where were you?

BEZOS: Playing Frogert all night and answering my emails.

(Crickets. 10 seconds worth)

ACSCC: I see. Jeff, you’ve taught me a great deal. I truly mean this. You and Trump, personal heroes.

BEZOS: He’s a douchebag, you know?

ACSCC: So are you. I don’t mind.

BEZOS: Touché.

ACSCC: Is it true he has you on speed dial and calls you 4 times a day?

BEZOS: I can't refuse a presidential request. Cocksucker has me by the balls.

ACSCC: I see.

BEZOS: Anyway, it's been fun chatting with you, whoever the hell you are.

ACSCC: I worked for you, sir.

BEZOS: Doesn't mean shit to me pal, haven’t you noticed? Everyone works for me.

ACSCC: Can I pat your head? Some provinces in Indonesia consider it good luck.

BEZOS: Why not, can I rub your belly? The Buddha is supposed to bring good fortune.

ACSCC: Fuck yourself Jeff.

BEZOS: Right back at ya’ wiseass.

Jeff "Mr. Filthy Rich" Bezos didn't sit with our founder, Antonio "Mr. Fabulous" Armenteros...sadly. While "Mr. Fabulous" was given that name "Mr. Filthy Rich" is just a figment of our imagination.

He is a filthy rich MOFO but, alas, we don't know if he has that moniker. Jeff Bezos does not think Elon Musk looks like he's had 12 dozen plastic surgeries, we do. We do not know if he wears platform shoes. Tara Reid did not give Jeff Bezos a hum job, that is patently absurd. We all know she doesn't know how to hum, it being a miracle she knows how to act. So, no offense meant. We don't know if Bezos's Cuban girlfriend does anything with a ping pong paddle, or assorted personal hygiene products, which is a DAMN SHAME. The blank words in the above text are left that way for artistic humor. Jeff Bezos's DOES indeed resemble Mr. Magoo but he IS NOT the stunt double. As far as we know he won't sue us for this, but if he does, the resulting infamy may get us an MTV spot a la Dave TV.

Main Photo property of Vanity Fair. Bezos/Cuban Flag property of LatinTrends. com. Bezos True Form/Reddit/TheBrushBandit. Amazon/Blue Satellite. Bezos Quote/Art ScoopHoop/Thedigitaltransformationpeople. (Fair Use). Parodical use. Fun fact: Bezos was raised by a Cuban man, so you know fried plantains was on the menu. Go figure.

1 (800) 123-1234

Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke, Former Congressman & Presidential hopeful

talks about wearing a dress on a record album, driving drunk, growing up privileged as a platform for the working man and why a man with no life experience is perfect for the role of Commander in Chief... riiiiight.

Robert Francis "Beto" O'Rourke, Beta male and skateboard aficionado talks to us about his platform to reform America and bring back our core values of "free shit" for everyone.

ACSCC: You know originally, I wanted to grill Bernie "Stand in line for soup" Sanders, but I passed him for you. I figured you would make a funnier interview prospect. Bernie has that grouchy appeal like those Sesame Street geezers in the movie balcony.

BETO: I cut a better figure than Bernie, this is true. I'm more in touch with America's youth and unlike him, I'm proud of my record.

ACSCC: Would this be the record of you in a dress?

BETO: My record of service. That record thing was blown way out proportion. I meant it as a gaff against the male chauvenistic image of what a musician should be.

ACSCC: You could have worn a frilly blouse and jeans. I mean it's a flower dress, no one else is wearing one. You look like a candy ass, dude.

BETO: Well, I'm not. I found it on sale. At the time, I was thinner, and it accentuated my curves better. All in all, let's write that off to youthful indiscretion.

ACSCC: Alright, I agree. But let's be honest, if you do win the big seat, you do realize no world leader will ever see you in anything other than the dress.

BETO: I don't believe that means anything. I have it on good authority that Kim Jong-Un wears candy apple red stiletto heels and Putin has a thing for lace panties.

ACSCC: Don't shit a shitter. Kim Jung-Un maybe, but Putin has access to the finest Russian whore's money can buy.

BETO: That's where he gets them from, or so I hear.

ACSCC: Alright, shut the fuck up with that. Let's talk about your record, driving drunk and burglary. Those are serious charges. Do you think that the American people will easily look past it, especially when you got off lightly?

BETO: My daddy pulled some strings, this is true. I think American's can look past it, after all, they would have done the same if they had a rich juiced in daddy, like me.

ACSCC: Pretty corrupt, dude. And I thought I competed with assholes. Alright, do you want to talk about the drunk driving? Like what happened?

BETO: I had a few too many beers and wanted to smoke my bong, but it was across town. So, you know, I decided I could go get it. Again, stupid thinking on my part. Youthful indiscretion. We must be big enough to look past it.

ACSCC: You seemed to rail against Trump for his comments in the past?

BETO: He wasn't youthful when he said those things. At his age, it's purely distasteful and wrong.

ACSCC: I see. Go on please, sir...

BETO: Trump is a meanie, you know speaking of ill things, can you believe he's actually gone and bashed China? I couldn't believe it. I like China. Matter of fact there's nothing better when you're high as a mother than to eat some Chinese food. When I saw him take on the Chinese, I said to myself, how can this heathen outlaw such fine cuisine?

ACSCC: Uhh, Beto, that's not what this is about...

BETO: Sure, it is. that's what those tariffs all come down to. It's basically racism over food and other cultural delicacies. He sided with the Japanese, and we all know why he did it. It has nothing to do with jobs! Please. It's because Melania is a big sushi fan. If she liked Perogies you'd better believe he'd be knee deep in Polish American diplomacy.

ACSCC: Excuse me, Mr. O'Rourke, but what the fuck are you talking about?

BETO: I'm talking about divisive policies which destroy our society. I'm talking about the riff between American values and Un-American activities. Sure, you see food, I see people. Workers. The common man. The working man.

ACSCC: Beto, are you fucking high?

BETO: Well... yeah

ACSCC: Makes sense.

BETO: But I believe in legalization. We have to decriminalize drugs. It has to happen. We must remove that as an obstacle for the common man. So, you want to smoke a joint? Smoke it. It will eliminate crime. How many pot heads do you know that are criminals? Really?

ACSCC: None.

BETO: Exactly. You sit at home, smoke a few bowls and eat fruit loops. That's it. No big deal. So instead of a war on drugs, I propose a "no big deal" campaign for legalization of pot.

ACSCC: You know the Christian right will skewer your balls and eat you for breakfast, right? You're proposing something radical and highly provocative.

BETO: Provocative? Moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem was provocative. I voted against Israel's Iron Dome missiles defense thing. That's bad for business. The best thing to do when dealing with complex geopolitical issues outside of one's experience is to shut down military actions in defense of a homeland and put the racists like that Netanyahu character on alert. I took him down a peg. Now THAT was provocative.

ACSCC: You realize Israel will skewer your balls and eat you for breakfast, don't you?

BETO: I disagree.

ACSCC: Well, if that isn't bad enough, you voted for Iran to develop nuclear weapons and other tools of mass destruction. Given Iran's shitty history of human rights, I mean they have a group of conservationists in jail and now they're talking beheading a few as "spies", given this record, how could you vote for them to go nuclear?

BETO: I did what?

ACSCC: Were you high then too, Beto?

BETO: I'm high a lot of the time, man. You don't think I could pull that Kennedyesque shit-eating grin if I was sober, do you?

ACSCC: That's another thing, you come from a privileged life. Raised with money and power. Private schools, good life. Childhood full of fond memories. You played the bit of the musician, wore a dress on a record album, got arrested for uh, "youthful indiscretions", had your daddy get you funding to start a company and all that jazz. That doesn't speak to a person who can make it on their own you know.

BETO: I disagree. I would have made it on my own, but my parents WANTED to help me out, and one should never turn away a hand up especially if it's from your parents. See, the way I see it, lots of Americans can sympathize with that. It goes back to the whole American dream thing. I lived that dream, I'm a shining example of it. They don't but so what? I'm real and I lived it, so they can believe in me. I can make it a reality for them. I can lead them to the promised land. Think of me as the Sacagawea to their Lewis and Clark.

ACSCC: Beto, you realize how full of shit you sound, yes?

BETO: ... a little...

ACSCC: You know, you champion civil issues, but I think you crossed the line when you went on the record saying you'd give illegal aliens the access to medical care and other things those legal born citizens don't even get for free. You know that one's going to backfire, don't you?

BETO: It surely is, but I just need to use it to get into office. I'll change all that shit later on. I'm a politician, man. It's my job to say one thing and do another. You know how it goes.

ACSCC: Now you sound EXACTLY like our competitors...

BETO: You know, when you said you wanted to hear me out, I figured any guy with a donkey and strippers on his website would be good people. You're not as enlightened as I'd hoped you'd be.

ACSCC: I'm pretty open to things, but I think you're setting yourself up for a letdown. You aren't ready to run for that type of office. If you got in, you couldn't have your daddy hold your hand.

BETO: I wouldn't need him, I'd get myself a good press secretary, maybe even that CNN douche bag, Acosta, and start changing things up. It wouldn't take much work. This country has at its core a value which is uniquely American: Free Shit. People want free shit; I say give it to them. Free shit for everyone.

ACSCC: Uh, Beto now I know you're not high. Now, I'm pretty sure you're crazy.

BETO: Crazy sells. I wouldn't mind.

ACSCC: You want to talk crazy, let's talk crazy.

BETO: Shoot.

ACSCC: You said on record that you supported the impeachment of Trump. You backed the false belief that he colluded with Russia to influence U.S. elections.

BETO: I did, and I do. Trump colluded.

ACSCC: Mueller said there wasn't collusion. No evidence to support it, matter of fact.

BETO: Mueller was wrong. He dropped the ball. The first thing to remember when conducting an investigation is to find and form the facts to support the indictment. We all know he did it, now we just have to show those findings in the best light to prove he did it....

ACSCC: Bro, you're fucking talking about lying.

BETO: No, I'm not. Like I said we know he cheated his way in. We know this. So, it's our job to say he did. Mueller did his investigation very lax. I would have appointed someone with more grit. unconventional, yes. But more grit. More fire.

ACSCC: Such as?

BETO: Rosie O'Donnell.

ACSCC: Beto?

BETO: Yeah?

ACSCC: Get the fuck out of here.

BETO: Rosie could have done it; you know damn well she has grit. Supposed to be funny, I don't think she's very funny. But she's tough. She could have brought down that presidency in style...

ACSCC: I mean it, Beto. get your ass up and get the fuck out of here. Like now, move it.

BETO: Well, alright I'm going, but before I do, I hope my reckless policies, dress wearing youthful indiscretions doesn't influence your vote.

ACSCC: Beto, get the fuck out of here.

Because all red blooded masculine American rockers wear... frilly sundresses

Presidential hopeful and 2nd amendment hater, Beto in full dress 1st from the left (fitting eh?) on the cover of the worldwide blockbusting album (insert laughter here) The El Paso Pussycats with his "band" FOSS.

Hates the fact that American's have the right to protect themselves and buy semi-automatic rifles and other "meanie guns". Good luck trying to get the patriotic American behind that message, chief.

I sort of hope he makes it to battle Trump, will make fine entertainment.

Robert Francis "Beto the beta" O'Rourke didn't sit with us, thank God. I've heard this fuckhead talk and he drones on like that boring teacher in that movie with Matthew Broderick and the Ferrari. Anyway, I'm sure Beto has a bunch of way cool policies he'd be more than happy to talk to someone about, but I could care less. Dude played shitty music and responded in Supermarket Spanish to a question asked of him in English, that makes him a fucking idiot in my book.

I would emphasize that this is a parody but I'm sure everyone will figure that out by now. It's not a very good one. The best parody is of this idiot pretending to run for President. Now that's funny.

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Dave Ramsey: financial guru, darling of credit card companies and Christian warrior

talks finances, shares his thoughts on commies, his detractors and what financial security is all about.

Dave Ramsey of The Dave Ramsey Show on XM Ch 165 talks to

The Donkey Show...this one has been a long time coming.

(that's what she said)

ACSCC: I've been looking forward to this for quite some time, Dave. I mean when it comes to finances, you seem to be the man to talk to. You're even more outspoken than I am, read mean tweets with gusto and routinely call people stupid. Could you tell us about this?

RAMSEY: Most people are stupid.

ACSCC: I see, wonderfully said. Lets get down to business. May I offer you a beverage? Perhaps some Scotch? I have some blue label here somewhere.

RAMSEY: I don't drink. The bible says a man that imbibes is headed for damnation and brimstone.

ACSCC: Don't tell the Irish that.

RAMSEY: The Irish don't count.

ACSCC: They'd be exempt, I agree. Alright, now listen, people always ask me for financial advice, and I always tell them the same thing: I'm not qualified. Oddly enough many say the same thing about you.

RAMSEY: Anybody that says that is a fucking moron.

ACSCC: Well, that seems a tad strong. I mean, you're a Christian, doesn't God tell us to turn the other cheek?

RAMSEY: The bible was talking to the ass kickers. That's a mistranslation between the Greek and Hebrew texts. What it truly says is " Ass kickers must equally distribute kicks on other cheeks".

ACSCC: I see.

RAMSEY: I'm not even here 5 minutes and you've been educated right there already.

ACSCC: Exactly. Speaking of education, you run a radio gig on XM Channel 165, have penned quite a few books and kibitz regularly about why you're a genius. Now we don't usually plug anyone on The Donkey Show, but all I did was mention your top rated show on XM Ch 165, and how you're a bestselling author, only because I am very happy to be here with you.

RAMSEY: You're a subtle guy.

ACSCC: I try.

RAMSEY: I bet you do.

ACSCC: Sir, I read your book The Total Money Makeover and I gotta tell you, there's nothing better to sleep to.

RAMSEY: How very droll. You don't look like a big reader.

ACSCC: I was in my youth. It helped me become the polished individual I am with this stellar vocabulary. I don't have time now. I run a business and routinely have to bust balls and kick FCRA violators in the chops.

RAMSEY: I feel the same way about millennials and commie agitators.


RAMSEY: Don't mention that heathen imbecilic person to me, please.

ACSCC: You don't like her do you?

RAMSEY: Like her? Are you fucking kidding me son? I'd rather kiss that donkey of yours on the lips and crazy glue a clown wig to my hair than have to listen to her speeches.

ACSCC: A clown wig is too much, but you could do wonders with an Alice Cooper wig.

RAMSEY: Alice who?

ACSCC: Never mind. Listen, I was wondering, you're a Christian and I'm a heathen pagan. But does God hate communists?

RAMSEY: He surely does.

ACSCC: And how does he feel about people who cuss repeatedly?

RAMSEY: If they vote Republican, they get a pass.

ACSCC: Well fuckin' A. That puts me in the clear.

RAMSEY: Damn right.

ACSCC: You should give her some financial advice, maybe even educate her a little. You can do the same for our readers.

RAMSEY: Nothing you say will mean a lick to that fucking idiot.

ACSCC: And to our readers?

RAMSEY: Financial advice? I got some right here. But my book, anything else you spend money on ain't worth a hill of beans.

ACSCC: That's a little self-serving there, Dave. Trump said something similar.

RAMSEY: Shit, I guess it is. Know what I think of that?

ACSCC: No, what?

RAMSEY: Tough tittie.

ACSCC: You know, I heard somewhere that Visa was negotiating with you to bring you on as their official spokesman. Considering how you rank on them, I figured this would be crazy talk.

RAMSEY: It surely is, I hate credit cards. Truly. They are responsible for more human misery than The View and Obamacare. I'd never do that. Ever. Under no circumstances.

ACSCC: I heard the annual contract would exceed 2 million...

RAMSEY: Bullshit, everyone knows I don't sell out for less than 5.

ACSCC: Uh...

RAMSEY: Fuckin' A right. These banks, they love to take but they don't wanna give back. I'm all about giving back.

ACSCC: Well in that case you'd be taking?

RAMSEY: Shit, I'm all about that too. Can't have one without the other.

ACSCC: What about Obamacare?

RAMSEY: Is a Republican pushing it?

ACSCC: Do chickens have lips?


ACSCC: Bingo. So, what's with the tweets you read?

RAMSEY: It's my way of staying hip. You know, this grandfatherly thing is bullshit. I'm bald but I ain't old. matter of fact, one time in Vegas, I got blotto and put The Crazy Horse to shame. I did this thing with my bald head that...

ACSCC: Whoa, Dave, Whoa. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

RAMSEY: Shit, what I did there fucking better. I don't need no problems with the PETA commies.

ACSCC: No shit.

ACSCC: Hey, I hear you like being bald. Saves on shampoo.

RAMSEY: Part of my wealth comes from not having to buy personal care products. That's something for the ladies to do when they ain't cooking.

ACSCC: I'll get calls for that comment you realize.

RAMSEY: I'm sure you'd get calls regardless. Dang boy, this website is just chock full of insults.

ACSCC: It's intrinsic to our advocacy.

RAMSEY: No doubt it is. Speaking of which, you should start thinking of your old age. Building your nest egg.

ACSCC: I plan of living wild and crazy, and burning out with scotch, Ukrainian hookers and plenty of rock n' roll.

RAMSEY: Why Ukrainian?

ACSCC: Why not?

Ramsey: Well, then why don't you show this good ol' boy the sights in this fair city?

ACSCC: Hey, we can hit the beach, drink rum in the water and get zorched under the sun.

RAMSEY: Fun for you, but I don't drink, I said.

ACSCC: Well in that case, we can snag a couple of Brazilian call girls to slather coconut oil on that bald head of yours and hit every club in town until one of us passes out.

RAMSEY: My money's on you. I bet I can out last your ass.

ACSCC: You probably could. I don't take Viagra at my age.

RAMSEY: Neither do I. I just wrap a Michigan bankroll around my Johnson.

ACSCC: Does that work?

RAMSEY: Son, ain't nothing a fucking wad of cash can't fix.

ACSCC: What about our financial machine?

RAMSEY: Well, alright maybe not that.

ACSCC: I'll tell you what, from now on, people ask me for advice, I'll tell them to tune in to your show. you got that white hair for a reason.

ACSCC: You got some yourself, candy ass.

ACSCC: This is true, but I have a secret weapon.

RAMSEY: Yeah, what's that?

ACSCC: I don't give a rat's ass.

RAMSEY: I believe you there bub.

Dave Ramsey didn't sit with us, but the rest is true, and we're willing to swear to it on a stack of The Total Money makeovers and a glazed donut. Don't ask us for financial advice, you can listen to your uncle Bert or tune into this dude. He's filthy rich and may call you stupid but that's just his way of showing you he cares. We don't know how he feels about alcohol, he's Christian but not a saint. Perish the thought. Image property of Dave Ramsey, used for educational/parodical purposes only. This is a fucking parody, people with no sense of humor can go vote for Bernie Sanders... there's no better place to throw a vote away...unless it's on the dumb shit below.

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U.S. Rep. Ocasio-Cortez: Call her crazy, whacky, unprepared, oblivious, a commie but, don't call her a chick...

We've been pushing the envelope since we came on the scene, and some would argue since our founder was born. Here we sit with Congresswoman Cortez and oh fuck it, read the interview for yourselves.

Oblivious, unprepared, a militant feminist with an agenda?

I couldn't care less. All those feminists are alright broads.

Yet, Rep. Ocasio-Cortez has both crossed the line and intrigued me. The former bartender has managed to stick her foot in her mouth on numerous non-consecutive occasions and provided comic relief on even the most boring, blasting music till 3am work nights. That she's whack would mean nothing to me. Yet she touched my main man, Bezos and managed to fuck NY out of billions in tax revenue. This makes her fair fucking game.

ACSCC: Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez, I was debating interviewing you, because despite all the stupid misinformed shit you spew, including the commie platitudes, I never like to mess with politicians. I mean, yes, I'm an obvious Independent, but I do vote my conscious and common sense. I lean to the right, but that's just because I believe in my Republic and believe wholeheartedly that each one of us has the right to manifest our destiny.

However, since you've done two things recently (criticize Equifax and slammed Jeff Bezos) I figured you're fair fucking game. You won't debate Shapiro, but I got you here now... Tell me, why the hell did you agree to do it?

AOC: I came for the donkey.

ACSCC: The donkey is the mascot of the company, Mrs. Cortez. The donkey is a reminder to our competitors that this company schools them on the regular, despite being politically incorrect. It's not a Democratic icon.

AOC: I wasn't aware. Perusing your website, I can see there's been a real problem here. You're vulgar, use gratuitous profanity and objectify women.

ACSCC: Not true. Some women objectify themselves; I just buy the stock photos.

AOC: I still think you shouldn't.

ACSCC: Mrs. Cortez, you identify as a feminist do you not?

AOC: I do.

ACSCC: Why is it feminists are women that normal men wouldn't want to fuck?

AOC: I'm offended at that implication.

ACSCC: Whoa, whoa, whoa, just cause I wouldn't screw you with Bill Clinton's dick doesn't mean I have anything against feminists. Feminists are alright broads to me.

AOC: That is so wrong...

ACSCC: Wrong was taking on Jeff. I mean that's my old boss. And sure, he may be a tad uptight and long-winded, but he's my uptight and long-winded old boss. He taught me more about customer service and enterprise than any University professor. You almost danced a jig when you nixed Amazon's plans to build an HQ in New York. You realize you fucked people out of 6 figure incomes, right?

AOC: New York should not have planned on paying him 3 billion dollars.

ACSCC: New York wasn't going to pay him this, the 3 billion was in tax breaks for the company. The potential taxes paid to the state by those wouldabeen new employees would have been closer to 30 billion. 3 billion in tax breaks doesn't seem so bad considering what you'd get in return.

AOC: Oh.

ACSCC: Anyway Mrs. Cortez, let's talk about something else. You've slammed Equifax and I don't blame you. Equifax should be held to account for fucking people's lives for the next 50 years by mishandling the security of their data. We agree on one thing, but then you go on to the abolishment of the credit system entirely. You do understand how this works don't you?

AOC: People get a number. I don't believe in numbering people.

ACSCC: Credit scores don't number people. The score is a risk management tool. It's used by banks to measure the risk of a return on an investment. Hence, money is loaned out at interest, and the interest is the profit of the bank. The score tells a bank the probability of a person paying back a loan. That's all it is.

AOC: But people don't need it.

ACSCC: Perhaps you're correct. People don't need credit; this is all choice you see. Nevertheless, people can benefit from credit. It should be at a consumer's discretion.

AOC: No. We should tell them what to do.

ACSCC: No, that's not our governments job.

AOC: We disagree then. Because if it we're up to me there would be no credit. No private sector, no rich fat cats, no people working 80–100-hour weeks who can't feed their kids!!! I'd put an end to this.

ACSCC: 100 hours and what? Where do you get this shit?

AOC: Numerous places. I have a massive following on Twitter.

ACSCC: You realize you make $174,000 g's now.

AOC: That's different.

ACSCC: I see. You didn't accept Ben Shapiros debate request. He pledged 10 G's to whatever charity you'd like. The man is sincere. Are you afraid he's bash you into dirt and show you as a poorly prepared tool of socialist thinking or was it you think he'd hit on you?

AOC: He wants me. You can see it in his face.

ACSCC: Uh. It's a moment like this that I'm reminded of Stephen. The Brave Heart guy. I believe he said it best. "The Lord tells me he can get me out of this mess, but He's pretty sure you're fucked."

AOC: Meaning what, exactly?

ACSCC: If you think that man wants to hit on you, you're even crazier than you look.

AOC: I look crazy?

ACSCC: Well, you got the Manson eyes. Your forehead crinkles when you're angry. You keep that up, you'll have to screw on your hat.

AOC: You're quite the charmer, Mr. Arfenderos.

ACSCC: Armenteros.

AOC: That's what I said. I'm quite capable of remembering a name, especially a French one.

ACSCC: The name is Basque, Congresswoman.

AOC: I know that.

ACSCC: It occurs to me, Congresswoman, that although you rail against this country's government, most of which you describe as grotesquely corrupt and inadequate, it is indeed this country that let you, a bartender, run for and miraculously obtain your current position.

AOC: You find this interesting?

ACSCC: I find it comical.

AOC: Because I'm a woman?

ACSCC: No. Because you're a fool. Nevertheless, you've convinced a group of people to appoint you as their representative, so we must contend with this. Especially those voters who put you where you are. Do you think costing them seriously good paying jobs is good for business?

AOC: I think we'll be alright. Minorities don't need the handout of that slave driving man. We brought him down to size. I danced to it. Want to see me dance?

ACSCC: No thanks, I just ate.

AOC: I appreciate your thoughts. Do you know what I think of you?

ACSCC: Well not really, but I'd put you right between what our competitors think and what some ex-girlfriends think. How's that?

AOC: Where would it be?

ACSCC: Between a nuisance and a jerk, roughly 

AOC: Mr. Fabulous...

ACSCC: At your service.

AOC: What do you propose?

ACSCC: I'm not egocentric enough to believe the world of finance would care what I think is a good proposal. I'm not interested in abolishment of a system which tor the most part works. I'd rather fix the system than eradicate it. I'm more the don't throw the baby out with the bathwater type.

I say people should educate themselves as to what credit really is. Why it is an evil system, surely, but one they can learn to use to their advantage. I'd rather organizations truly provide easy to navigate tools so consumers can be savvy, regardless of socio-political standing or if they wear different funny hats. In other words, empower the people to achieve, not limit their potential by offering to pay their way through life.

AOC: The world should change. Change requires a militant mindset.

ACSCC: Maybe so, but I don't feel it's my place to overthrow anything. I'd be content to craft some positive change.

AOC: So, you won't vote for my green new deal?

ACSCC: I wouldn't vote for it if it was blue or red, and featured strippers and an all-night kegger. It's a bad idea. Nevertheless, I agree with you that these credit bureaus should shoulder true responsibility. They should be held accountable for the loss to a private individual's information.

AOC: But the children!

ACSCC: Every fucking politician talks about the children. Stop using children as a platform. Use common sense. They call you Occasional Cortex, you realize this.

AOC: It's a vulgar assumption of my intelligence.

ACSCC: That's a presumptuous comment, Congresswoman. I don't think there's much there. Nevertheless, I hope when we bring our petition before the Congress, you'll give it some serious consideration.

AOC: I could call you to testify. We could convene a session on this matter. I can hold you to account for being perhaps the most vulgar, obscene, politically incorrect businessman to date.

ACSCC: Even worse than President Trump...

AOC: Trump doesn't have a donkey...

ACSCC: This is true. Technically speaking neither do I.

AOC: But you would.

ACSCC: Yes, I suppose I would if I could. You'd bring me up on charges?

AOC: I'm in power now. And you seem quite dangerous.

ACSCC: I see. Would you care to explain?

AOC: No, I would not. So far, I've been insulted, degraded, marginalized and insulted.


ACSCC: You said that one already.

AOC: Alright. You're also a privileged meanie who hates women and minorities.

ACSCC: I am a minority.

AOC: Minor details, Mr. Armencheros

ACSCC: Armenteros.

AOC: Whatever.

ACSCC: I always thought the political cartoonists were too rough on you, but as you're sitting there, your eyes are really bugging out, your buck teeth are drooling something awful, and I do believe your nails have grown into claws.

AOC: Let me ask you something, do you think working 80-hour weeks, enslaved to commercial greed is good business?

ACSCC: I work more than 80-hour weeks. I serve my country and run a company. That's good business, yes.

AOC: Wouldn't you'd rather be handed things?

ACSCC: Only the keys to a penthouse suite stocked with Crunch bars, Bourbon and Asian hookers.

AOC: This is pointless.

ACSCC: I've been having the same thoughts... you haven't run away, I'm shocked.

AOC: I'm not afraid of you. It's undignified to my office and station to run, why would I?

ACSCC: We'll you see, to finish up we have Mr. Shapiro here with us and he'd like nothing more than to ask you a simpl…

(Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez stood up, kicked our founder in the nuts and rushed from the building. Sadly, Ben Shapiro wasn't really coming by to finish the interview which is sad because an ice pack was sorely needed.)

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Now this section is complete. Thanks, Andrew.

Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez did not sit with us, as much as we would have enjoyed a festive debate. If she refused Ben Shapiro who is an actual commentator, there's no way in hell she'd sit with The Donkey Show which strives to parody life's more mundane issues and social mores. Oh, fucking well. Our bi-partisan Congressional petition may eventually require her to sign it or veto it or come up with some commie platitude filled abolishment. Should be fun. Photo credits: Brave Heart, owned by Icon Productions/The Ladd Company, Ocasio-Cortez memes freeamericanetwork. com, US Politics - MTStars, Patriot Humor, Main Photo property of Fox News. Fair use of public domain art/photographs and/or artwork for illustrative and Educational Purposes only. Video used with permission from Don't Walk Run Productions and the bad ass Andrew.  Parody not to be taken seriously, very much like Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez. We don't want to anger feminists; they really are alright broads.

1 (800) 123-1234

FICO & Vantage scores developers don't just hire any type of scientist, they hire the Data Scientist.

We sit down with a data scientist that shall go unnamed, and cover what scores are, why they are developed and if these guys screw nurses. Lets begin shall we...

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While everybody is off hating the President, half of The Congress, media outlets and journalists, we decided to shine some light into a really dark recess of humanity. A place where only the vilest of the vile lurk. No, not California. We found ourselves a data scientist.

Whistleblower: They can't see me, right?

ACSCC: No, they can't see you; they don't even know who the fuck you are here, this is Miami. No one gives a shit here.

Whistleblower: I know, I drove here, remember.

ACSCC: I should be cross with you, what with this whole secrecy thing.

I'm a big adherent to transparency.

Whistleblower: I'm blowing the whistle here, and if I'm going to blow anything, its going to be unanimous.

ACSCC: Uh, you do realize how that sounds?

Whistleblower: How what sounds?

ACSCC: Never mind, alright I'll honor your request at anonymity, just think of us as the glory hole of America.

Whistleblower: You realize how that sounds?

ACSCC: How what sounds?

Whistleblower: Never mind. Look let's get a move on with this, I'm nervous enough as it is.

ACSCC: Whom do you fear?

Whistleblower: The general public. If the average Joe knew what goes into a score, what we put into the equation, they'd hunt us down and beat up with the dirtiest pair of old shoes they could find.

ACSCC: I see. Well, what goes into the score?

Whistleblower: Pure fuckery. Sure, I can call it a mathematical equation, but that isn't the truth. the truth is what goes into the score is a complex series of parameters, which though may sound boring to a guy like you, is done so on purpose. We want to bore you with the data of risk analytics. Anyway, what goes into it is a series of complex hoops that change every day, to make sure you can't jump through them in a predictable fashion.

ACSCC: Kind of like the political landscape then?

Whistleblower: Worse. Politicians change themselves out every few years, giving the opportunity for new people to get their hopes up and then down. With us, were here for the duration. You're fucked every day in and out, nothing changes, not even when we retire.

ACSCC: Whoa, how is this even legal?

Whistleblower: "Legal" and "illegal" are abstract terms, kind of like "meat" is an abstract term to McDonalds or "deodorant" is abstract to the French.

ACSCC: Go on please...

Whistleblower: That's the least of it. Sure we can package things real nice, so much so, people will be happy to have the high scores, and fear the low scores. We're good at packaging things up.

ACSCC: This isn't some harmless tasty cigarette, dude. this is people's lives.

Whistleblower: Hey, I know. I feel guilty about it. Still, what the fuck am I supposed to do with a Yale education?

ACSCC: Go work for Amazon! fucks sake.

Whistleblower: Bezos has no need for scientists.

ACSCC: You can develop a better hairpiece for him! Anything is better than this shit.

Whistleblower: He's the world's richest man. Bald looks good on billionaires and aging bodybuilders.

ACSCC: What about corpulent Cuban Italian businessmen?

Whistleblower: Only if you wear gold chains and a shirt open to the navel.

ACSCC: I'm in the clear then, should I ever go bald.

ACSCC: Big Pharma, maybe get a job with those fuckwits?

Whistleblower: I'm not that kind of scientist. I have an advanced PhD, I'm not an M.D.

ACSCC: So I take it you don't bang nurses?

Whistleblower: There are none. And you don't want to see what our assistants look like.

ACSCC: Dogs?

Whistleblower: Fucking A right. Dogs.

ACSCC: Alright look, so you develop a score, make it real pretty, introduce the scale system and people gravitate towards it. Jump on the mule, and never know...

Whistleblower: Well, no, they know. They must know, it's a rigged game. We aren't very good at subtlety. I mean, how subtle would a double headed dildo look crawling across a white tiled floor at a virgin's house?

ACSCC: Not very, I suppose... unless it's wearing a fedora... even though not many virgins out there today... unless you count my neighbor Mark...

Whistleblower: Well, that's what this is like. Sure, Emptor Caveat and all that, but let's face it, people don't know what this means.

ACSCC: They would if you said it in English, asshole.

Whistleblower: Well, alright. Maybe, you've got a point.

ACSCC: Buyer beware. Look how nice that sounds?

Whistleblower: You're chain smoking. Surgeon General's warning is right on the box. See what it says?

ACSCC: I see it, but I chose to not give a shit. You don't give people that choice. You work for cartels, big bankers and ensure the country stays in debt.

Whistleblower: Oh, right. You think they'd care if we told them the score is meant to keep them in debt, so banks can charge them double the interest and keep them from ever getting ahead? that's all a score is alright. No bank wants a person to have excellent credit, excellent credit means less interest.

I don't think they'd want to know the truth.

ACSCC: They might. Think about it, if we covered this shit in an appealing way, like we do celebrities and the douchebags that pass for entertainers today, well, it could make a difference.

Whistleblower: It's not in their best interest. No pun intended. Banks don't want savvy, intelligent consumers.

ACSCC: Neither do politicians...

Whistleblower: So, what's it matter?

ACSCC: Ah, maybe you're right, but maybe I'll try to do something about it in my own way.

Whistleblower: Right, with strippers, donkeys and debauchery...

ACSCC: I keep a reader's attention. Education can be stimulating.

Whistleblower: I suppose...maybe it could be.

ACSCC: Oh please, I've seen how your looking at the girls over there.

Whistleblower: I never figured you'd have groupies here.

ACSCC: Hey, we make this shit fun, buddy.

Whistleblower: Do you think I've got a shot?

ACSCC: Normally, I'd say yes. But you're a douchebag bastard... even I don't think I can swing an intro with that resume...

Whistleblower: Reformed douchebag bastard... I'm spilling the beans remember.

ACSCC: Well, I suppose you sort of are. I'll put in a good word; will you do the same for my clients?

Whistleblower: I make no promises...

ACSCC: Ahh it's alright. Who knows, you may end up with the clap,

but I'll introduce you around.

Whistleblower: The clap?

ACSCC: Yeah, but considering your lame interview, it's probably the only clap you'll get for this.

Whistleblower: You really are a piece of work, you know that?

ACSCC: I would have figured this was obvious.

We don't know if our interviewer got the clap or not, but he did pass out after a few boilermakers, and we did the only sensible thing we could. Drove him to city hall, strapped him naked to the flagpole and raised him up. It was the least we could do for all the hardworking people who didn't get to beat him with their dirty old shoes.

1 (800) 123-1234

"I never like to endorse business owners that are better looking than myself, but this Armenteros is a fucking genius."

- President & Commander in Chief Donald J. trump from his interview with A CLEAN SLATE CREDIT


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45th President, Donald "Big Daddy Don" J. Trump takes a chair and speaks to our founder, Antonio "Mr. Fabulous" Armenteros.

Lord help us...

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ACSCC: President Trump, before we begin, I'd like to say, congratulations, sir.

TRUMP: You mean for winning the presidency?

ACSCC: Not that, for getting your hair to stay perfect. I mean look at it. Pristine, combed over and whipped up nice. All yours too, I might add. It's even better than my hair. I got cowlicks and this widow's peak going. I look like a cross between Bella Lugosi and that ugly fucker Andy Garcia.

TRUMP: Bella Lugosi didn't win many beauty contests.

ACSCC: Neither has Andy Garcia, and beauty is an area you know a

 bit about.

TRUMP: I did own the miss universe.

ACSCC: I meant winning the presidency. A total thing of beauty stayed up to watch you mop up the libs. Total glory.

TRUMP: What can I say. People got good taste.

ACSCC: I didn't get to vote for you though.

TRUMP: People have good taste, excluding you then.

ACSCC: I won't argue that point. But I would have, that's the thing to remember here.

TRUMP: What was more important than getting me into office?

ACSCC: Getting Bridgette out of her lace panties.


ACSCC: Never mind. Look, I was busy. Give me a break, you won.

TRUMP: I surely did.

ACSCC: Right, ok, now, besides kicking Democratic ass, redefining a pig fucking all out fight and calling out CNN as the fake news assholes they are, it is very important I speak with you. We have avid readers who enjoy our advocacy between bong hits and south park reruns.

TRUMP: I can see it.

ACSCC: Right. Listen, can I call you big D?

TRUMP: I don't care what you call me.

ACSCC: Alright Big D, I...

TRUMP: Just kidding, of course I care.

ACSCC: Alright Mr. President., Jeez you're mercurial.

TRUMP: That's what Melania told me, or was it mechanical?

ACSCC: Uh...

TRUMP: Look can we hurry this up? I have to make America great again and you're eating into my time.

ACSCC: Funny you should say that I want to make Credit Repair great again.

TRUMP: I heard. The Donkey Show.

ACSCC: It came about organic like. A donkey, a few strippers, some raunchy humor and a boat load of fucking advocacy.

TRUMP: It's uniquely American.

ACSCC: I think so. Maybe one day I could be President.

TRUMP: Anything is possible. but with that dirty mouth of yours, good luck. So, you want to talk finance?

ACSCC: Not really, fuck finances. I want to talk kicking ass, making Americans great again and what we can do to absolutely fucking destroy FCRA violators.

TRUMP: Kicking ass I can tell you, buy my book. The best book ever written on kicking ass. The art of the deal. I mean I say this without bragging but it's a fucking great book written from a genius point of view.

ACSCC: Yours?

TRUMP: A genius. I mean come on. I make Lee Iacocca look like a peanut vendor. I make Michael Eisner look like Mickey Rooney. I make Jeff Bezos look like...

ACSCC: He's richer than you, sir.

TRUMP: Yeah, but he isn't fucking president now, is he?

ACSCC: You got him there.

TRUMP: I got him here too. (Pulls out phone calls up Bezos direct and puts him on speaker)

TRUMP: Bezos, you there motherfucker?

BEZOS: Oh, for fucks sake, what now, Mr. President? Did Alexa act up again? Call tech support.

TRUMP: In Mexico?

BEZOS: Our tech support is U.S. based, Mr. President.

TRUMP: Yeah, listen. The art of the deal, read it. Quickly! And get a copy for my Hispanic friend here.

ACSCC: Uh sir. I don't like being called a Hispanic...

TRUMP: Can I call you a Guinea?

ACSCC: I don't object to that.

BEZOS: Fucks sake, you got me on speaker? Who is that?!

TRUMP: I'm busy Bezos. I don't have all day to sit around and talk shit with you.

BEZOS: You called me!

ACSCC: He's got you there Mr. President.

BEZOS: Who is that??

TRUMP: A former employee, don't worry about it.

(Bezos groans)

TRUMP: Yeah, I called you, I called you out for being a union busting, slave driving liberal scumbag douche.

BEZOS: I vote Democrat, sir.

TRUMP: Viva the donkey show!!

(Bezos hangs up. Trump puts phone away.)

TRUMP: I love doing that to him twice a day. Mother fucker has to take my calls. Can't refuse a presidential request.

ACSCC: Neither could I.

TRUMP: You're lucky you got in the building.

Lucky my ass. The secret service put their fingers up my ass and everything.

TRUMP: They do it to Giuliani. No big deal.

ACSCC: Uh... Sir

TRUMP: What do you want, a fucking donkey? I'll buy you one. We can have him graze on the lawns here.

ACSCC: Donkey's don't graze sir.

TRUMP: I'm. sure, we can pay it to.

ACSCC: Mr. President, help us make Credit Repair great again.

TRUMP: I own that trademark asshole, don't even think about it. I got the best lawyers, killers. Absolute. Tough guys. Great guys.

ACSCC: Like Giuliani?

TRUMP: Tougher. Bigger balls even.

ACSCC: Alright that seems an impossibly but let's move on sir.

TRUMP: Want a donkey? I'll tell you what, I'll spring for the mule, and you get some of your stripper friends to take a ride in my chopper. Deal?

ACSCC: Who's buying the blow?

TRUMP: Let the bitches bring their own!

ACSCC: Damn straight. Alright the mule aside. I have a petition to eradicate upfront charges by rival competitors.

TRUMP: I can dig it.

ACSCC: You know, all bullshit aside, I don't do drugs and I don't drink. I'm fueled by pure madness and the desire to kick ass.

TRUMP: And you read Penthouse, I heard.

ACSCC: They do have great articles... It's a big read in the Pentagon.

TRUMP: It surely is. Alright tell me of your FCRA overhaul.

ACSCC: It's bi partisan...

TRUMP: I like the bi's,

 ACSCC: It will help people out, and level the field pushing all these scam operators out.

TRUMP: You want to grab em by the pussy?

ACSCC: They are pussies. How else would one grab them?

TRUMP: Touché.

ACSCC: It basically makes it a criminal penalty to charge upfront for these pesky "file creations" or "audits". It's bullshit anyway, and plenty of abuse and law skirting goes into it.

TRUMP: Criminal penalty?

ACSCC: Sure, I mean what's the point of a law, if it isn't enforced?

TRUMP: I can see it.

ACSCC: You know, I've been meaning to get to this interview, all BS aside, I like you. I don't agree with some of the shit you say, but you are a born leader, an opinionated big mouth and have big brass balls.

TRUMP: Thank you.

ACSCC: You're quite welcome, Sir.

TRUMP: You know, I've been quoted. I've said it: I never like to endorse anyone who's better looking than myself, but this Armenteros is a fucking genius.

ACSCC: I am. I agree.

TRUMP: And humble too.

ACSCC: That's what my brother says.

TRUMP: Did he vote for me?

ACSCC: God no.

TRUMP: I see.

ACSCC: So, do you think this petition has a chance?

TRUMP: I think it does, I think Americans are getting pretty tired of the pseudo professionalism bullshit that precedes a pig fucking.

ACSCC: They are, I agree.

TRUMP: And you are pretty opinionated yourself, I've read you site, holy shit man.

ACSCC: I don't sleep well. never have. Chocolate and cigarettes lead one to some whacky thoughts.

TRUMP: You're a workaholic, aren't you?

ACSCC: I wasn't handed anything my whole life.

TRUMP: Most winners never were.

ACSCC: This is true. Mr. President, I have a request, I'd like you to consider.

TRUMP: Go ahead.

ACSCC: I would like to propose David "Diamond Dave" Lee Roth as Cultural Ambassador to your cabinet.

TRUMP: The lead Van Halen guy.

ACSCC: One and the same.

TRUMP: I wasn't aware he was interested in any gig, much less that nonexistent one...

ACSCC: He probably wouldn't be, but you could sort of spring it on him.

TRUMP: Would he do it?

ACSCC: He probably would. Any guy named "Diamond Dave" has got to be good people.

TRUMP: They call you "Mr. Fabulous", what's that about?

ACSCC: I'm not sure. A playful nickname. I've been called worse.

TRUMP: I believe it.

ACSCC: So have you.

TRUMP: Touché.

ACSCC: I got to tell you; you've kept every fucking promise you've said you would. You are, quite possibly the most impressive president of my generation. You actually give a shit, it's not about money with you and it could easily be.

TRUMP: I believe in my country. Enough is fucking enough.

ACSCC: I echo your thoughts, Sir.

TRUMP: I will continue to do so, not everything I do is immediately understood or appreciated, but I love my country, I love the very, very great people of the country, and the very, very great love those people have for their land. I'll fight for that. I want their security, their prosperity and their independence.

ACSCC: You got balls, Mr. President.

TRUMP: All real Americans do.

ACSCC: Thank you for your time, Mr. President.

TRUMP: It's my pleasure, good luck with the Donkey Show.

ACSCC: Thank you, Sir. Good day.

David "Diamond Dave" Lee Roth has never been proposed for Cultural Ambassador, but he should be. President Donald J. Trump is not known as "Big Daddy Don", but in all truth, he could be. Jeff Bezos is not a union busting, slave driving, liberal scumbag douche...that we are aware. If he is or is not on the Presidents speed dial is completely unknown. Our founder is not Hispanic, but he does have Italian heritage, so the whole Guinea thing is valid, since Guineas can call themselves Guineas. Fuggedaboudit. This is a parody, just in case it pisses someone off, which is sort of the point of it. The secret service did not put a finger up our founder's ass, and we are not aware that Giuliani gets the same treatment, but it would be sort of funny if he did. Our founder does not use "blow" nor does the President, and no strippers were offered any in exchange of helicopter rides, but if cocaine was present, the bitches should always bring their own, or so we are told. Photo is copyrighted and not by us, used for educational and parodical purposes only under Fair Use. MAGA [email protected]#kers!

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"Being green is easy, being broke is a bitch."

- Kermit from his interview with A CLEAN SLATE CREDIT


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"The only priceless part was when piggy wouldn't fit in the cab"

Kermit the Frog

Kermit dishes the dirt on MasterCard, Disney, identity theft and being married to a pig... priceless.

ACSCC: Kermit, you are world renowned, Lipton tea and MasterCard paid you big endorsements to sell their products and you, personally, are an Icon. How is it possible you had credit issues?

Kermit: MasterCard is run by Nazi gonifs and I married a pig.

ACSCC: Explain.

Kermit: First of all lets get one thing straight. All that shit they flung in that commercial was bullshit. Nothing was free, a fucking trip to New York is gonna be free?

ACSCC: Well, it's marketing.

Kermit: Another thing. The only priceless part was when piggy wouldn't fit in the cab. One week filming that damn commercial. If it wasn't for fozzy bear keeping me sane, I'd have flung myself into the Hudson.

ACSCC: Strong words, buddy.

Kermit: It gets me riled just thinking about it.

ACSCC: Tell me about your debt.

Kermit: MasterCard fucked me. "Free", my green ass, those commercials don't talk about the interest, the draconian payments or the outsourced operators you gotta deal with when trying to get an increase. Like everyone else, I've had my ups and downs. Piggy pushed me into traveling and spending big on luxuries. She owns a huge collection of heels and thongs. Me, I'm really a simple guy.

ACSCC: Ok, so you got pushed into it by the wife?

Kermit: Pushed, slapped, whacked upside the head. That pig is one mean sow when she doesn't get her way.

ACSCC: So she ran you into debt?

Kermit: She'd run the sultan of Brunei into debt. Never marry a diva, that's my advice. I didn't listen, I saw the ham and wanted a slice. So sue me.

ACSCC: So you had debt.

Kermit: And two black eyes, yes. My debt is one thing, my debt my problem. On top of being robbed by my agents and abused by my piggy, some bastard stole my identity and went on a bender in Vegas.

ACSCC: And what happened?

Kermit: Hell if I know. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

ACSCC: No, I mean, what did you do about the identity theft?

Kermit: Oh. Well I had to go through the hoops and legal rigmarole.

ACSCC: So you came back?

Kermit: You bet my green ass I did. Funny, being green and having no green, that's a bitch.

ACSCC: You seem to handle green better now.

Kermit: Being broke, that's the bitch.

ACSCC: You made some claims about abuse, how would you say that's viewed in the industry?

Kermit: They look the other way. Between Jimbo's hand up my ass and piggy going all Ike on me for every little thing, it's a miracle I haven't committed froggicide.

ACSCC: Is that a homicide or suicide?

Kermit: I'd probably go for both.

ACSCC: Ok. So Lipton...

Kermit: Fucks sake, Lipton. Hey, I can dig it, but there was a time I educated, now I sell out and hawk products.

ACSCC: You have been around. When will you retire?

Kermit: Retire? That's rich buddy, Disney owns me outright. They'll pimp my ass for eternity and pay me peanuts. Look at Mickey, that poor fuck hasn't had a vacation in 50 years!

ACSCC: You're a survivor, I'll give you that.

Kermit: I'm one tough frog, I know.

ACSCC: Tell us about your priceless experience... feeling Cuban.

Kermit: It opened my eyes. I can wear gold chains, lizard shoes and summer shirts open to the navel and not be laughed at.

ACSCC: Guayabera's are quite a thing, eh. What about the food?

Kermit: Plantains I like, but that pork has gotta go. 30 years I ate a pig, once you been where I have, it's kinda hard to get the taste out of your mouth.

ACSCC: 30 years of work. What can you leave us with?

Kermit: The hotel bill. I put a few hookers on the tab, you said make myself at home.

ACSCC: Colombian or Venezuelan?

Kermit: Both!

ACSCC: No Cuban chicks?

Kermit: Of course! That's where the flavor is.

ACSCC: Kermit, you're a mensch.

Kermit: Thanks.

Viva the Donkey Show!

Don't ask me for a caption, pal, I just get paid to put these things up.

Parody. Not to be taken seriously. MasterCard is not run by Nazi gonif's. We don't even know what gonif means. Photo courtesy of some dude with way too much time on his hands.

Interview with Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson...

and some random Medium

When one thinks money one must inadvertently think of the 20 dollar bill. The most popular bill in the world, more than Grants 50, more than Lincoln's 5 spot, and even more popular than the measly 1 dollar bill our first President Georgie got. More than the hundred, yep, more popular by far. Known as "dub', "Ducat", "Double-Sawbuck", the 20 dollar bill is a representation of both the mighty green and the mighty American ego. Both a mighty combination, like drinking a 12 pack of room temperature soda and snarfing a whole bag of Taco Bell enchiladas at 5am because the vodka starved you!!!. Powerful! Anyway, while we were sitting around ruminating on world economics we got to thinking that it would be great to talk to the man himself, our favorite dead president, Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson.

Bear with us, we had to find a medium to channel Old Hickory, and not many were up to task. Even with bribes, firewater and a case of cigars, it took some doing. Here is the interview provided in full.

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ACSCC: Andrew...? Andrew Jackson? Are you there?

Jackson: OF course I'm here damn-it, I'm a fucking spirit, I can go where I please.

ACSCC: And you're pleased to be here?

Jackson: I was in a club in "Hotlanta", watching some fine southern beauties clap ass, and the next thing I know I'm here, in this room, staring at one ugly bastard. That is not pleasing.

ACSCC: Ah, then you are here.

Jackson: Fucks sakes, man. You had better have a good reason for bothering me.

ACSCC: We wanted to talk finance. America needs you, we need your guidance.

Jackson: Oh shit, not that again. America doesn't need me, I've been dead so long what I need is a fine sturdy woman with an ass like a buffalo and some serious smelling salts.

ACSCC: Look, we'll make it quick.

Jackson: Give me a stiff drink, I know there's hooch in here somewhere.

ACSCC: Firewater suit you?

Jackson: I'll drink panther piss.

ACSCC: You're a tough guy.

Jackson: Not really, its an image

ACSCC: Speaking of image, how do you feel about having your image on currency?

Jackson: Well, it could be worse I suppose. My image could have been printed on toilet paper.

ACSCC: Money is sort of like toilet paper, it's backed by a central bank.

Jackson: Did we lose a war?

ACSCC: A few, but that's not why.

Jackson: I'm in a club, watching ass clap and I get pulled away to listen to this shit? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't put a boot up your ass.

ACSCC: I'll give you 2. We need help financially, American's need to take their country back, its become a country of credit and interest.

Jackson: Americans don't need me, they need another shopping mall! America has been turned into a damned store, everything is for sale and nothing is worth a damn. I was watching ass... ass, man!

ACSCC: Is that how you while away eternity?

Jackson: I sure as hell don't spend it prowling the halls of congress. I sure as hell don't spend it pondering about how the greatest country has become the greatest debtor in the universe. You can do that righteous shit with your eternity, I spend mine in pursuits of pleasure. I'm a popular guy, my face has seen more ass than a rental car. I've been down more ass cracks than...than...

ACSCC: We're getting off point here.

Jackson:, well, look. I care, don't get me wrong. But what is the point of caring and keeping after people? You say the truth, you get kicked off the stage, you tell a lie, you get kicked off the stage. You stand up, its questioned. you don't stand, its criticized. America used to be a tough country. I ate plywood, I shit sawdust. Now its all a bunch of panty-waste-powder-puffs and chicken shits all talking, all not saying a damn thing.

ACSCC: I won't say you're wrong.

Jackson: You won't say much, you wont even give a dead man a fucking drink!

ACSCC: Well, its not every day I hear a 60 year old woman channeling a dead patriot.

Jackson: I'm coming through the body of a woman? Fucks sake man! The moment I leave I'm going to haunt you for years.

ACSCC: What about ass?

Jackson: Lucky for you I have priorities. Alright, what else do you want to know?

ACSCC: What do you think we should do? The world is run by central banks, money is printed at interest, credit card companies got us by the balls, and everyone tries to play a balancing act with a score we call FICO.

Jackson: You're screwed.

ACSCC: No seriously, the situation is dire. What would you suggest?

Jackson: I would suggest a rowboat and a paddle, shits creek is a rapid. Hold on tight.

ACSCC: Should Americans moderate?

Jackson: Americans know no such thing! Outrageous. It's not a question of moderation, it's a question about education.

ACSCC: So will you help educate them?

Jackson: Not a snowballs chance in hell. You want to waste your time pal, you do it. I got things to do.

ACSCC: Tell you what, you give me one good tip, and I'll take you with me to Playmates. Cuban girls got ass for weeks. I know the door guys, we never pay a cover.

Jackson: Deal. What do you want to know?

ACSCC: I forgot what we were talking about. I started thinking of the Cubanitas.

Jackson: Do they clap ass?

ACSCC: Brother, for the mighty dollar, you'll see ass spin, shake, wobble and do the wave!

Jackson: It's a damn shame I'm dead.

ACSCC: Hey, relax,  I know a guy who knows a guy, that knows a guy that has some serious smelling salts.

Jackson: Now we're talkin'. Whatever happens tonight, don't you fucking dare to tell me to moderate!

ACSCC: Have you seen me eat? Moderation is not in my vocabulary.

Portrait of Andrew Jackson property of the National Archives. used for illustrative purposes. This is a parody, not to be taken seriously. We would not dare interfere with this mans rest, or whatever the hell he does with his eternity. Ass clapping however, is a very fine pastime...or so we've been told.

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